Just a 27 year old trying to change her lifestyle and vowing to purge how she feels instead of food. Paleo and loving it.
Questions? Comments? Concerns?
Yesterday was a great day. So was Sunday.
I got up really early Sunday and didn’t eat till 10. I stuck to paleo all day and felt great. I feel so much better eating this way - even when I eat too much - its so different from sugar highs and lows. I hung out by myself and binge watched tv and cooked and baked and it was fun. Boys came home late and Moose snuggled me for a long time before we all went to sleep. Yesterday I woke up at 7am and MiddleMan and I got ready and left for CrossFit. Bandit watched Moose while MiddleMan sat in a bean bag in the cubby room and watched us workout. I got kind of annoyed because CF decided to start a child watch thing for the month of August. They have the owner and another girl who workout there and is also a part time nanny watching kids…in an unfinished office upstairs in the loft…which is also unfinished and covered in spackle and construction crap. So when MiddleMan and I got there the owner texted me that her flight had been delayed and if I could do child watch. I said sure and then saw the conditions and got really aggravated. You can’t have kids up in those kinds of places. You are asking for a lawsuit. So I brought MiddleMan down and told the coach he couldn’t stay up there it was unsafe. Two other little boys came for twenty minutes and hung out in the cubby room as well. When they left I jumped in on the strength. I didn’t get up to my max Hang Power Cleans - well I did. It’s #65 and I did #65, I just didn’t go higher cause I didn’t have enough time. I did get to do the workout, which was exhausting but really fun. 3 rounds for time of 800m row (supposed to be a run but there was a monsoon) and 10 HPC at #35. 17:46 was my time. The row was brutal but the first two rounds weren’t as bad because I’ve been really paying attention to my form since Korea. I went slow and steady but felt good. The third round I was just exhausted.
After, I dashed to the house, showered, collected all the boys and brought them to the dentist. All I had to eat before working out was a handful of walnuts, after working out a paleo coconut chocolate chip bar (dairy free) with coconut…and I was starving by ten thirty. I had a few pieces of sweet potato and some shaved beef. We went to the movies and I brought a Lara bar and seltzer. Perfect movie snacks. For lunch we went to Red Robin and I was starving. I mowed through sweet potato fries, two hamburger patties, bacon, pineapple, and guacamole. Definitely a bit much because I was barely hungry at dinner time. I bought another paleo naturals meal (beef stew), not my favorite. Probably won’t do that one again.
Non-paleo foods from yesterday:
1 canadian mint, handfuls of chocolate covered sunflower seeds, gum, lick of nutella, good and plenties, southern comfort drink…perfect manhattan?
Great day though!
Today is my last day as a nanny and besides crying, Bandit, Moose, and MiddleMan and I will be watching 90s movies all day and looking for hiking boots for MM. Tomorrow they head off to Peru for a month to work at an orphanage. I’ll still be in there house until I find someplace to live. School for me starts the 2nd and this is the close of an incredible chapter of my life. I’ve grown up so much since I started watching them. I went from being a sheltered, uncomfortable in my own skin, scared girl to a very strong woman. Even with all the crap I still have to deal with, I am still a strong woman. I have taken care of myself the last four years, paid my way, and survived four pretty traumatic injuries without someone to help. I have more to do with my life and I can’t be a nanny forever, but god will I miss these guys. They are my little brothers and not being able to see them everyday will be rough. I truly feel like I have four younger brothers and a younger sister. I’m very lucky :)
Feeling a bit better since my emotional purge. I spent the whole day watching telly and movies and it felt great. I did a ton of laundry and cleaned the kitchen. I have to go make up my twin bed the size of a grape and clean my room and vacuum the mother trucker. I only had breakfast today - I’m not sure how that happened cause I woke up at 6am. I ate a few pieces of my chocolate brownie granola stuff (no nuts totally paleo) and then talked to my mom. So I didn’t actually eat breakfast till 10. Three fresh eggs with tessamaes southwest dressing (my favorite - obsessed) and carrots and olives. I didn’t eat lunch. I did have a couple pieces of the brownie thing. Ive been sipping the same kombucha all day. I had a glass of iced black coffee - I’m staying dairy free for now. It’s a gateway drug lol and so is my protein powder so thats off for now. And I just made dinner: shaved beef in the same tessamaes stuff and some sweet potatoes. Need more green veggies. I might have a salad later.
I did have some cashews in the afternoon and tried these Trader Joes freeze dried green beans. I almost puked. Kristin tried to give them to me the other day but I didn’t take one. I got a whiff of the smell and legit got nauseous. I ate two and they tasted like canned string beans that had then been freeze dried. It was gross. I put them away. I’ve never felt sick like that. It was weird.
Yay! I got a gig for the month of August…probably free lol but at least I’ll be around CrossFitters the whole time and it’ll help me keep my spirits high. I was going to say diet on track but that’s not what I meant.
And…its watching kids! They decided to do some child care hours so I texted our owner and said I was off for a month and needed something to do and asked if I could get - then they can do more hours!
I’ve been feeling down for a while now and I think that’s why I’ve been eating so terribly. I can actually feel myself eating to feel better and telling myself tomorrow it’ll get better. I used to be depressed. Like full blown depressive episodes, I called them Funks, and they lasted for days on end. I was never manic, but I would return to a normal state. I could laugh again and feel it in the pit of me that I wasn’t sad in that moment. But they always came back.
When I moved to New England the episodes got less and less. I made my own way, I did my own thing, but lately I can feel the funks seeping in again. And they started because of Curly’s baby. It’s so petty but I feel like as the older one that’s where I should be right now. I should be married, in a career - writing, with a baby on the way. Not finishing my fourth and last year as a nanny and going to law school and barely have friends and/or a social life. I’m not happy with my weight and I hate that that effects me so badly.
Yesterday I got up and Curly and I were supposed to go to our Uncle’s house for a cookout. He asked if I could make a dairy free dessert cause his husband is lactose intolerant and he knows I have both made pareve (dairy free Jewish) and paleo desserts. I babysat way to late the night before and didn’t get any ingredients. And instead of going to the store in the morning I peaked around the house and decided I could make paleo brownies but I didn’t have 2 eggs, only 1. I have six fucking chickens who lay six eggs a day but they decided they wouldn’t be doing that before three pm and thus I had no extra egg. I still made the brownies - which I’ll post the recipe to and you guys should try cause they are tasty, they just came out like granola-ish.
So I got annoyed because my only task was ruined and I wasn’t able to go out and get anything dairy free. I got dressed and find out Curly’s friend Blondie is coming with us. She constantly invites herself to these things and I can’t stand her. (Sidenote my mother called her a flub of tard this morning over the phone with me and I almost died). So Blondie started to piss me off right off the bat. We went to the cookout which was in Newport and is basically a friends of the film festival party, not a family one. I’ve worked at the festival for years so I know a good amount of these people but this year I knew no one. Curly and Blondie are so socially awkward they don’t associate with anyone but themselves. They take selfies and baby bump pictures and if you don’t do it just right they have you do it over and over and over and I’m annoyed just typing that. Its rude and it’s annoying.
Then Blondie brought up that she’s the godmother and she’s the godmother and she’s the godmother. This is already a sore subject for me and I made a comment like we should get t-shirts made that say godmother and legal guardian (hi I’m the legal guardian). And then she went on to say well if anything happens to Curly her parents get it. She said it five or six times and I said so whats the point in having a guardian, gd forbid my cousin dies or we’re stuck together for life. Which, after talking to my mom was something I should not have said. And I apologized to my cousin for that. Anyways, so that brought me down more.
I’m constantly around couples and kids. So I just kind of feel like a failure. And then I make the mistake of watching Austenland - not necessarily a Jane Austen fan but I was folding laundry - and start nearly sobbing at the end because Mr. Nobley flies all the way to America to return Jane’s notebook and profess his love and they get married and blah blah blah, and I realize that there can only be one truth - either love is nothing like the movies like everyone always says, or love is like the movies because where would they have gotten the idea from in the first place, it has to come from somewhere. Right?
I don’t need fake movie love. I want something that’s hard and worth fighting for. But I want it already. I want my awake life to be better than the life I have in my dreams…where I have superpowers and can fly and am a famous writer who overcomes her shyness and acts in her own work…hahahaha
- Sierra Demulder, Love, Forgive Me (via thejanuary-air)
I’m watching Austenland and I’m not sure why I’ve done this to myself…