Just a 27 year old trying to change her lifestyle and vowing to purge how she feels instead of food. Paleo and loving it.
Questions? Comments? Concerns?
I’ve been unpacking the last two days and trying to just chip away at everything. I’m almost done but I have a really hard time decorating and a ton of wall space so I’m stuck on that. I find I can’t get motivated to read for school until the house is completely settled. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be done and can get some reading done in the afternoon.
I’ve gained all the weight back. We know this. My mom took blood on Tuesday for a test for school and then decided to run a bunch of other tests. I got the results today.
Vitamin D deficient - severely, high cholesterol, high triglycerides, high blood sugar, high high high A1C, high thyroid supposing hypothyroidism, and something wrong with my lymph nodes. So that’s great.
I’m diabetic again. I have to start back on medicine unless I can get this shit under control. I’m leaving behind striving to be paleo and now just trying to be heart healthy - less red meat unless grass fed and no bacon ( sad face) cause I can’t find a good source. Less milk fats - i.e. whole mozzarella and cottage cheese is okay but no cheddar cheese. More chicken. More fish. More good fats. Less carbs - no bread and grains still. More green vegetables. So basically primal but I just need to learn better eating habits and not worry about the title.
I’ve been growing my facial hair out and not shaving. It’s annoying to tweeze and the epilator is making my face breakout like crazy. I read about some people who have hirsutism using derma blend, a makeup company who markets to people with tattoos and skin problems, to cover the hew of the hair. Curly has vitaligo and wears derma blend on her face as a foundation so I asked to try it and it worked tremendously. It covered everything and I didn’t make me look pasty or dry. It looked good. I love the tarte bb cream but I need something to cover the dots for school. I’m so ridiculously self conscious of them and it really bothers me if I think people are paying attention to it.
Nothing upsets me more on here than seeing lovely, kind, nice, hard working people that have come a long way to be where they are and not have body positivity, or shame them selves for a day of enjoying food. I just wish I could pat every single one of you on the back and tell you how wonderful you are and that you should all just keep on being awesome.
I forgot how much I love audiobooks. Neverwhere was on sale so I got a copy on audible and have been listening while unpacking. I flew home at 5 and drove straight to the boys’ house to pick up most of my stuff. Basically I forgot the food! But I got everything else. Then I drove to the apartment. It took two trips to unload my law text books and luggage and miscellaneous. Then I drove to the target to get a lamp for my room and a few things for food and shower curtain rings. I came back and had a panic attack. It all set in that I was here for real. I am no longer a nanny. I live on my own. I’m not living with the kids anymore. I won’t be home for another year. I’m going to law school. I don’t really know the town I’m in so it feels like I’ve gone away to college. Except this time I’m 27. Not 18. I cried and cried and cried and got completely overwhelmed. I went to hang my shower curtain with the new rings and realized is left it in the car. I went to set up the lamp and I forgot to buy lightbulbs. I freaked out over stupid things but it’s like I just can’t. I couldn’t. I manned up. I let myself cry. And then I went down to the car and got the shower curtain and my duvet. I came upstairs and put them on. I made my bed and settled into watching Stargate on my computer (I have no internet or cable yet) and unpacked my luggage. Then I unpacked two other zip lock bags of clothes. Now all my clothes are organized and all I have to do is put the stuff that doesn’t fit me away and when my dresser comes put the other clothes away. I’ll finish my bathroom tomorrow. My kitchen is essentially done. And I’ll do my book table on Saturday and tomorrow night. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and the place is finally becoming mine. I’m in the tub now and how wonderful it is to be able to walk around naked and unpack and not worry about anyone seeing. It’s awesome. I’m so grateful. And I know my anxiety will get better as I get more comfortable.
It’s been a very hectic week.
I flew home last Tuesday and spent Wednesday through Saturday watching my little cousins full time with my mother. Saturday afternoon I was given a reprieve and got to see my friends. Sunday my mom and I went shopping for suits and stuff and it became very clear I didn’t fit in anything. I had to go to Chicos to get old lady stretchy slacks…that do look cute, but made me feel like shit. My mom, surprisingly, had a lot of positive things to say. She still doesn’t get paleo but acknowledges that its the only thing thats worked so she wants me to stick to it and fucking get the weight off already. So she got me clothes and we met my grandmother for lunch. My father’s mother has some form of munchausens on herself. She creates illnesses for herself for attention. She has diverticulitis and freaks out when she eats anything that she’s gonna get sick so she eats donuts, bread, and potatoes. That’s it. And baby food. So she ate two loaves of bread at Cheesecake while my mom and I ate. It was weird. The rest of the week has been good. My foods been up and down and hopefully getting back home tomorrow and to the grocery store will help everything settle down.
I am very appreciative of something though. I have never understood why my father’s family finds that they have the right to comment on my weight or my body or my workouts. They are embarrassed that I lift weights and run at my weight. They all think I should be tiny to do the fitness stuff I do. My cousin - who had surgery - and I were walking - he has to walk ten minutes ten times a day to keep his back moving minimally - and he goes I feel like you do so much and you still have this - and points to the flab on my arm. He thinks I should be as skinny as him. And then my grandmother found out that I wear a smaller size at Chicos than her. She was flabbergasted. She thought I should be in a 3 (Chicos has weird sizing. They go from 0-3 (s,m,l) and the pants are half sizes. I’m a 2 in shirts and 2.5 in pants). And she just kept badgering me about it. She did not understand. She said she weighed less than me so how could I be in a smaller size. So I said well I have a solid thirty pounds of muscle on me. No doubt. And I have a small chest. So I don’t wear a 3. I wear a 2. And she went on and on and was kind of mean about it. And then when I went to her house today she wanted me to try on her size 3 shirts in front of her to prove it.
I told my mom and dad and they both said that they have (multiple times) told his family to not speak about my weight to anyone, especially me as it is none of their concern and the only people that have the right to talk to me about it are them. So I kind of felt great that they had backed me. There’s no reason I need to speak about my weight to anyone. I know how to eat. And I’m doing my best. I don’t need their help.
look at these boots and tell me you dont immediately want to go adventuring in them holy shit i love these shoes so much